Confrontation and Conflict

Overcoming Roadblocks To Effective Resolutions

We’ve all seen the movie or television show that centers around some poor guy who finally blows a gasket, letting loose with a terrible rampage in which he kills, maims or attempts to bloody up an entire campus. The build up to the rampage shows the man having in-depth conversations with himself. His way to deal with his hurt is these conversations he has in his head. The people with whom he is angry hardly even know what is going on because he rarely speaks directly with them. The anger in his mind continues to build up; he continues to have the conversations. The man’s conflict avoidance heaps frustration upon frustration and eventually: POP! Death and mayhem.

Although this example is extreme, how many of us are guilty of holding mental conflicts and confrontations?

Many people are just not very comfortable when it comes to confrontation. A good reason to have these mental conversations is that it helps to prepare, plan out, what might be appropriate to say and how to say it. Additionally, there are times when the mental conversation helps settle the issue, as we realize we’re making too much out of the situation – making a mountain out of a molehill.

Mental conversations have their place but they can disrupt sleep, alter attitudes and harm health. They do not really resolve issues and can potentially damage relationships.

No, we do not need to confront every action. A single mental conversation is nothing to cause alarm. It’s when we constantly return to the same conversation again and again that we need to consider having a real conversation with a real person – preferably the person who has been the focus of the mental conversation. It is time to plan how to deal with the real confrontation.

Holding a Real Confrontation Effectively

Start by preparing for the confrontation – coming face-to-face with the real issue. Be able to state the issue in one or two, non-emotional, factually sound sentences.

Confronting another member of your team for taking undue credit should not be an emotional lambasting to allow a release of steam relieving pressure for a little while. Saying, “hey you took all the credit you stupid git!” will not effectively resolve the issue. It certainly vented some frustrations and was probably more effective than the mental conversations were but the longer-term damage is real.

Instead, rephrase the opening statement using the above guideline. Saying something like, “It looks as if I was uninvolved with this project. My name doesn’t appear anywhere on the document. I have not been given credit anywhere.” Avoid using words like “I feel” because that is an emotional statement unfounded in proof. The facts in the statement are beyond dispute but “I feel” is easy to refute.

Stop There. Allow the person to respond. Although human tendencies seem to suggest adding to the initial statement to justify the comment, don’t. Defending why the statement is true will generally just create an argument. Say what needs to be said (the confrontation) then wait. Allow the other person the opportunity to respond.

Because the mental conversation has been rehearsed more than just a couple times, the tendency is to predict how the other person is going to respond. This is a mistake. No one can know. Resist the temptation to say anything else at this point. Just listen to them; let them respond.

Avoid the argument. Confrontation does not mean fight. Confrontation is about saying what needs to be said. Listen to what they have to say. Many times the confrontation will end there. Is it important to prove the other person right or wrong? Does the blame need to be assigned? Relieve the frustration – get it off your chest – and move on.

Know the Desired Resolution Before the Confrontation. The initial statement, “You took all the credit . . .” is likely to put the recipient on the defensive. The response may be something like, “Yes, you have been given credit. I said both our names to the boss just last week.”

Knowing what the desired outcome is, you can move the conversation toward that goal. Do not get into an argument about whether something was or was not mentioned to the boss last week. That is not the issue. Do not let such distractions derail the confrontation. Keep an eye on the goal.

An appropriate response might be, “I would appreciate if in the future we could use both our names on any documentation, and include each other in all the correspondences about the project.”

Keep Focused on the Real Issue. The other person will either agree or not. Maintain focus on the issue, avoiding all temptation to get into an argument. The issue is credit is not being given – both names need to be on the documentation. That’s it. Not Blame, who is right or wrong or anything besides the desired resolution.

No one should become so they look forward to confrontation. It may never be something that is comfortable. It can be a skill. It is important to express frustration and anger before it becomes harmful. We certainly do not want to make the news because we cracked due to improper conflict resolution techniques.